Most Days

"Most Days"

Most days I am able to harness some hope and strength 

Others, it is elusive and hard to find 

My weariness is enveloping

If the Coronavirus came round here

would I last days, or hours?

It's what's hard to hang onto ... humanity ... my own humanity

It takes so much of my life force to stand up and walk even a few steps

I love greeting people, smiling at them, talking with them, feeling their inspiration and strength that they take from me that helps ease the steps of their own path

Much of the time I feel like I'll just fall over 

and just not get up

like a dying horse 

Then I talk with someone, and gain strength from the exchange of kindnesses between us

Sometimes water just leaks from my eyes, like rain trying to soften the hardened cracked earth of the desert

The night is long and dark

 Today I ate a sausage mcmuffin with egg   

 and 2 boston creme donuts, a small milk and small coffee

The fatigue in the eyes of the young, old before her time, McDonald's girl, 

washed over me ... 

I smiled. She smiled

"Livin the dream" I whispered.

"Livin the dream," she softly volleyed

 She had hours to go, sitting in that window.

 I returned to my parking lot, my soul full

zjm

1/29/20

Happy 40th Birthday Weekend!

Your blood

Flows through my veins

Your heartbeat

Inside of mine ...

~ dad

Options

Last night I began my second 6 months living in my car. It snowed in the parking lot where I  spend most nights. Got down to 21° with a windchill of 11°. 

Cold.

Received the above junk email before dawn...

"Now let's see,

To which dreamy place shall I go?"

Dream time over ...

A woman just knocked on my window.

Homeless, in a shelter with her sister.

Hungry.

Gave them some money for food.

~ zjm

8 November 19

Quandary

The predicament of the old adage

'write what you know'

is that I have now survived long enough

on this blue sphere in the lightless heavens

that I no longer know a goddamn thing

Understand even less

And that leaves me in raw companionship

with roaring silences

~ zjm

5 AM

Resting

Under a light down blanket

In the front seat of my car

The unearthly stillness 

Of late night, early morn

Just before dawn

First of September 

Autumn chill

Winter on her way

~ zjm

1 September 2019

The Tutor

Be silent and listen: 

have you recognized your madness 

and do you admit it? 

Have you noticed that all your foundations 

are completely mired in madness? 

Do you not want to recognize your madness and welcome it in a friendly manner? 

You wanted to accept everything. 

So accept madness too. 

Let the light of your madness shine, 

and it will suddenly dawn on you. 

Madness is not to be despised and 

not to be feared, 

but instead you should give it life...

If you want to find paths, you should also not spurn madness, 

since it makes up such a great part of your nature...

Be glad that you can recognize it, 

for you will thus avoid becoming its victim. Madness is a special form of the spirit 

and clings to all teachings and philosophies, but even more to daily life, 

since life itself is full of craziness 

and at bottom utterly illogical. 

Man strives toward reason only so that he can make rules for himself. 

Life itself has no rules. 

That is its mystery and its unknown law. 

What you call knowledge 

is an attempt to impose something comprehensible on life."

C.G. Jung

Moment

An older woman walked up to me 
after my morning swim
as I was walking stick my way out to my car
 slow as a fucking slug
and says

"I watch you come in here every day 
and exercise in the pool 
... I respect you so much"

"Thank you," I replied. 
"You are most kind
You just made my day"

Didn't help me move faster
or without my good friend, pain ... 
but that touch of simple human kindness inflated my lungs with emotion
with gratitude

As my long time compadre and friend
Cameron
is prone to say when moments like these 
arrive out of the ether

"Better than winning the lottery"

~ zjm

16/8/19